Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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