youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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