god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
