someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
