Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize