Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
