Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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