can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
