and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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