I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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