Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
MIDGETS
????
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
