wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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