I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
