My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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