Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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