phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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