Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
