i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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