I cannot find my penis.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
