Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
