I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
