So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
