Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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