i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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