Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
