Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I did not marry a roomba.
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