So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
