we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
