I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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