i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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