On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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