I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
