I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
