I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
