i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
