you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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