Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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