I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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