Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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