does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You smell like stripper and shame
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
