I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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