I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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