i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
