Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
