Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
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