you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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