I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Drunk is not a location!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
