Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
farters have to be the big spoon...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
