I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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