Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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