I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
