fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
