listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
