My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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