I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
