Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
