I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Randomize
