I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
