I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
