Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
