The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Randomize