Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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