Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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