the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
