hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
