chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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