3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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