everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
