Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just gift wrapped bread.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize